Yes, I thought that title would get your attention!

But first here’s a selfie on the roads of Ecuador.

That day we arrived in Cuenca and stayed at the wonderful Casa Hibiscus Boutique Hotel run by Mark and Alonzo. So great I’ve posted a Google review with a photo of Susan. That’s how good it was!

Cuenca, another city and another walking tour. It’s a lovely city with a European ‘feel’ and many ‘colonial’ styled buildings with clear Spanish and French influences. Here’s another selfie, this time it’s our walking group.

Our walk included a visit to the marketplace where we saw a limpia ceremony. This will be interesting for some of you with a certain predeliction for sado machism so keep reading.

A limpia is an Andean cleansing ritual that helps purge your mind, body and soul of any emotional confusion, ailments or negative energies stuck in your body. If you’re sitting there thinking yes I’ve got some of those then I’ve got the remedy for you – what you need is a good sound thrashing and a rub down with an egg. That will sort you out!

Now please don’t mock because famous Hollywood celebrities have travelled to Ecuador and paid a fortune for this ‘spiritual healing’ and you can’t have any better professional endorsements than that? Surely? 🙄

Okay, I appreciate some of you are getting impatient with this waffle about celebrities so let’s get straight to the ‘thrashing’

Here’s a photo of a ‘Thrasher Woman’ getting her thrasher ready for giving a good thrashing.

And here’s a ‘Thrasher Woman’ at work.

Now I know what you’re thinking – this poor guy could have had all sorts of ailments and negative energy and in his ‘private’ thrashing time there’s tourist Clif taking a video.

I agree with you as I felt mildly embarrassed that I didn’t let this guy enjoy his sound thrashing in peace. Sorry ‘poor ailment guy’ but I’m a tourist and watching you get a good sound thrashing was awesome!

‘Thrasher Woman’ is thrashing ‘poor ailment guy’ with a big bunch of herbs. Honestly, the thrashing smells lovely. Oh, and please don’t try this at home – you can’t just go to Tesco and buy a bunch of coriander and parsley. Thrasher Woman is thrashing with the freshest, finest herbs brought from the countryside that morning on a donkey. You can’t buy that authenticity at Tesco.

So what do you think happens next? Well, it becomes even more bizarre and because I’m a tourist I made a small movie.

Did you catch that? ‘Poor ailment guy’ is rubbed all over with an egg. It’s only a short video as I’m not sure how much egg rubbing you can take.

After the egg is rubbed all over the body to drive out the bad energies it is cracked into a jar and the egg is ‘read’, to determine the patient’s issues. Well I can tell you if ‘poor ailment’ guy didn’t have issues before he was thrashed with herbs and rubbed with an egg with me filming then he certainly has now!

So, if you’re the type of person who fancies a good sound thrashing then please get in touch with my ‘Natural Thrashing Holidays’ and I will arrange for a bespoke package for a small fee. For an extra remittance the egg can be replaced by a guinea pig. Yes, that’s not a typo, an alternative to the egg rub down is a black guinea pig rub down. Bizarre but true!

Now before we leave the fine city of Ecuador I’ve got another couple of educational points. Yup, you can hardly believe it – spiritual healing and education? Just marvellous!

Let’s talk Panama hats. Where do you think they come from? Well it’s not bloody Panama! It’s Ecuador of course! A Panama hat is also known as an Ecuadorian hat so next time you’re being casual about town in your ‘panama’ straw hat and someone compliments you on your head attire please throw in that little gem of knowledge to impress them. You could also add that the quality of an Ecuadorian hat can be told by the tightness of the weave though I would leave that fact out if you bought your hat from Marks and Spencer.

On our walking tour we visited a famous Ecuadorian hat factory and museum. The variety of hats was endless. I quite fancied one but Susan assured me they didn’t make them big enough. Oh well, back to Marks and Spencer XXXL for me!

Now let’s talk about something personal to most of us. I’m talking chocolate! In Colombia we found the chocolate to be relatively poor but in Ecuador it’s so much better.

Yes we all like chocolate but how ethical are you with regard to your chocolate choice. Susan and I are right up there at the top of chocolate society because we buy Pacari chocolate from Ecuador. Well, we visited their shop in Cuenca and it’s changed our chocolate lives forever.

And to be honest if you’re not buying Picari are you really an ethical chocolate eater like Susan and me? Here’s the chart to find out where you stand in the chocolate world.

Oh I know it’s embarrassing for some of you in the relegation zone. You might think it’s tasty but you’re doing nothing for the planet. Please stick to Picari if you want to be ethical chocolate eaters like Susan and me.

So that was Cuenca. Hopefully, I will be back if my ‘Natural Thrashing Holidays’ takes off. Give me a call – you know it makes sense!

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