It was a short two hour journey down the road from Ollantaytambo to Cusco.

Cusco, once the capital of the Inca empire, was developed into a complex urban centre in the 15th century by one of the most well known Inca rulers. Who am I talking about? This guy 👇

That’s Pachacuti. In the local language, Quechuan, Pachacuti means ‘reformer of the world’ and it’s an apt title because he began an era of conquest that led to Inca domination over most of western South America. It’s surprising, however, that even though the Incas established a sophisticated, technologically savvy civilisation, they didn’t develop a written language, they didn’t have knowledge of the wheel, iron or steel.

Pachacuti is also believed to be the leader who established Machu Picchu as a summer retreat. If it wasn’t for Pachacuti we might never have heard of the Incas and their history would have been be lost amongst the hundreds of other South American indigenous tribes you’ve never heard of.

Now let’s temporarily leave the Incas before you glaze over and talk medical matters. Yes, I’m going to get personal. We have a problem.

Cusco sits at 3400m altitude (that’s 11,200 feet in old money) and this means two old people find it hard going. I’m talking about Susan and me.

Altitude sickness manifests itself in many ways and, thankfully, it all had been relatively mild for Susan and I as we have adapted over the last two weeks at altitude. That said, depending on our travel fatigue, exertions and diet, altitude can affect us more on some days than others. Susan is particularly prone to good days and bad days.

I’m fine and still not listening to advice not to drink alcohol because that’s a step too far. As it is, a bit of breathlessness is my main issue and the worst it gets is when I have to sit down and rest midway through brushing my teeth. I can cope with that as long as I have a beer to sip whilst I’m recovering between brushing sessions. Me and Mr Beer help each other through all sorts of issues.

At Cusco, Susan didn’t feel great. It all started at Machu Picchu. Personally, I think it was the dancing with the Saqra dancer on the train – too much exertion at altitude. If I was allowed to show you the video as evidence you would agree. It wouldn’t be ‘Oh Poor Susan’ it would be ‘Oh Dear Susan What Were You Thinking’. Then there was ‘Mellow Man’ and his coca leaves. All the evidence fits together in my mind and now, unfortunately, I have to tell you that Susan has a coca habit.

Now the coca leaf has been chewed and brewed for centuries among the indigenous people in the Andean region. Most often, the locals chew the leaves and they act as a mild stimulant that supressess hunger, thirst, pain and fatigue. Crucially, especially for tourists, it’s also believed to overcome altitude sickness.

It’s common for tourists to consume coca levels in the form of a tea and indeed many hotels have an urn on the go or will provide coca tea on request. Now let’s be quite clear, this is the same coca leaf from which cocaine is extracted. You will actually fail a drugs test within 24 hours of drinking coca tea.

Now let’s talk about ‘Coca Head Susan’. It’s a serious matter so let’s not have any light-hearted quips. To alleviate the symptoms of altitude sickness, ‘Coca Head Susan’ is drinking coca tea beyond the recommended 2 cups a day and, would you believe it, also eating coca sweets.

Even in the middle of the night I heard the rustling of sweetie papers as ‘Coca Head Susan’ was having a ‘hit’. I present the physical evidence 👇

Okay I feel I’ve got your attention now that I’m presenting physical evidence.

Now altitude sickness is pretty debilitating at times. I’ve already opened up about my issues brushing my teeth so I’ve every sympathy with ‘Coca Head Susan’.

I do, however, appear to be an island of strength in a sea of Coca as I sit in hotels and bars drinking alcohol and where it seems everyone is having coca tea. It’s difficult being me with no mild drug habits in a land of Coca Heads. I’m sure you’re sitting there nodding in sympathy with me. Thank you.

It’s okay though, I’m managing the whole situation with expert medical advice from the Internet. I’m sure I can wean ‘Coca Head Susan’ off the stuff and my main tactic is to get her to drink more alcohol. Why not? I drink lots of alcohol and I don’t have altitude sickness – the logic is pretty inescapable.

With this intellectual logical thinking on display I’m sure you have every confidence in me delivering ‘Oh poor Susan’ back to you in a state suitable enough to pass through an airport drug test on the way home in December. I will keep you posted.

After that medical bombshell you’re probably thinking oh please let’s get back to the bloody Incas! Let me oblige, sexywoman.

No, no I’m not talking about you! I’m talking Incas remember? And more specifically Saqsaywaman, a fortress citadel in northern Cusco. That’s how the locals pronounce it, ‘sexywoman’ followed by a low chortle. Such boyinsh behaviour is beyond me.

Anyway, Sexywoman, was mainly built by you know who? Yes of course, Pachacuti.

It’s more impressive than the photo above can convey. Originally, there were three massive terrace walls that display precision cutting and fitting unmatched in the Americas.

Much of Sexywoman was dismantled by the dasterdly Spanish to build churches and Spanish civic buildings in Cusco. The Spanish wanted to erase all Inca culture in an effort to dominate the local people. They kind of succeeded. For four centuries this fortress has been systematically dismantled and, even until relatively recent times, locals were allowed to blast away the stones for their own building needs.

Talking about stones, have a look at this neat jointing. Why all the irregular shapes? Well the photos below have the outline of a snake and a llama respectively. Try and find them? Its like one of those ‘can you find it’ quizzes you see on the internet’.

Next is a view from where Pachacuti would sit. Right in the foreground are ‘thrones’ carved into the rock overlooking the natural amphitheatre where Incas would gather to hear the proclamations of their ‘god’. The plaza below is capable of holding thousands of people for ceremonial activities.

Finally, another view over the Sexywoman fortress.

So onto our final night in Cusco, we went into town for a rooftop dinner and some local beer.

Then it was to the Pisco Museum for a cocktail.

Ah, I know the more astute of you will realise this is me putting my intelligent logical plan into action. I’m getting ‘Coca Head Susan’ to be like me and drink herself into health. What a cunning plan it is even if I have to say so myself!

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