Oo-swy-a (as they say).

Ushuaia, the most southerly town in the world, was founded by British missionaries around 1870. It’s a pleasant enough place visited largely by old aged tourists on Antarctic cruises, smelly bikers on trips down South America and young backpackers with oversized rucksacks. It’s an eclectic mix.

Ushuaia is the Argentine capital for this place 👇 and I’m not even going to start a discussion on this matter.

So what about our accommodation? Well you won’t be surprised to know I’ve just gone and delivered again for Susan. I’m the man that keeps on giving. Take a look at the view from our apartment.

An outlook right out to the Beagle Channel named, of course, after the good ship Beagle on it’s first voyage to the region. No, not the voyage of Charles Darwin and Fitz Roy – that was the second Beagle voyage.

I know you’re thinking ‘magnificent view’ but that’s not the selling point! Oh no! Just take a look at the bottom right of the photo – I’ve only gone and delivered Susan a view overlooking a graveyard!

I’m quite sure international travellers like yourselves appreciate how graveyards are right up there in terms of tourist attractions. Well Susan can pull up a chair and tour the graveyard from her living room. Creepy nice.

That’s not all the man that keeps on giving gave – how about a trip to see penguins! Yup, despite my lack of interest in birds that can’t even fly, I booked Susan and me onto a five hour boat trip along the Beagle Channel to see the little blighters.

On the way we sailed passed a lighthouse. The Argentines say its famous but it’s not really.

We arrived at the penguin island and, unfortunately, this isn’t Disney where everything happens on cue.

Today, the little blighters were busy sitting on nests and wouldn’t budge for the tourists. We could see them in the distance but they were quite happy sitting nesting. Selfish little blighters when there’s tourists waiting to take awesome photographs.

Thankfully one little blighter wandered down the beach and was joined by another little blighter. Two little blighters! Here’s a pretty poor photo one of them – the other just looked the same.

Later, I tried to make up for the little blighter debacle with some humour. After all they say the way to a woman’s heart is through humour (or a big bank balance).

Now I hear you say – you’ve delivered again Clif. Susan wanted to see little blighters and you gave her two little blighters. You also gave her humour and two plastic blighters. Mission accomplished surely?

Yes, I acknowledge your support and you make a strong argument but I’m the man that keeps on giving and, in my heart, I knew I had to give some more. Susan loves little blighters so I knew the man that keeps on giving had to give some more.

In the meantime, we had to move on. We had nearly 2000 miles to travel north to Buenos Aires. The job was not yet done.

After four nights in Oo-swy-a we set off again. Unfortunately, between Oo-swy-a and Buenos Aires there’s nothing much to see. Ruta 3 and a strong westerly wind would be our companions.

On the morning of the second day we crossed the Argentina – Chile border, grabbed a ferry and then crossed the Chile – Argentina border.

I took a photo from the deck after witnessing something strange. Let me tell you. We were in the lounge, which was devoid of people, looking for a coffee as we were chilled to the bone by the wind.

Nothing was happening at the coffee counter. It was closed. Then a guy, dressed like a cross between Adam Ant and Puff Daddy, appeared behind the counter. He had a kind of uniform jacket like Adam Ant with hugely baggy trousers like Puff. On his chest he had a badge that looked like he’d made it himself.

Anyway, as he’s behind the counter getting his own drink, he takes a handgun and stuffs it in his trouser waistband. Yup you’ve got it – we’re in the middle of the Magellan Strait and I’ve got Adam Puff Ant with a handgun in his pants!

Now we see a lot of security people with guns in South America. Even McDonald’s has a man with a gun. However, they’re all dressed like would be ninja commandos and they don’t stuff guns in their pants.

So what would you do in these circumstances?

I did what I often do until Susan gives me a row – ‘will you stop staring!’

I was standing about 20 feet away and I stared at him. Thankfully Susan was unaware. Yes I could have advised her to a potential danger but it would also guarantee a row for me staring. I thought discretion was best.

He appeared quite calm for a person with an old guy staring at him. I could tell he was slightly uncomfortable because he looked up frequently at me staring. However, he just went about whatever he was doing seemingly unconcerned.

Now that’s not the behaviour of a guilty person? I thought I might get a reaction but I didn’t. Well that’s my reasoning anyway and so he passed the old guy staring test and as Susan had no idea what was happening I didn’t get a row. That’s a double result in my books.

Coming off the ferry, Susan has to walk whilst I ride the bike. That’s ferry rules. As Susan is waiting on land she said, over the intercom, that she would take a video of me coming off the ferry ramp.

Great I thought. So I made sure all my buttons and zips were done and I got ready for Le Grand Depart. I decided I would stand on the footpegs to make me look more heroic and I cued Susan as I was rolling along the car deck.

Susan set the iPhone camera rolling.

Now if you’re sharp you may notice something odd about this video. If you’re not sharp have another look.

It’s not bloody me!!

If you look at the very start of the video you will see a bike with yellow lights. That’s me! Looking good and slowly moving forward waiting for the camera operator to focus on my best side.

‘Susan, Susan I’m coming off now’. ‘Yes I know’.

(camera operator not looking at subject)

‘Susan, Susan, now, quick, now’ (old bike man ready for action)

(camera operator looking in the opposite direction of old bike man)

‘Susan, Susan I’m on the ramp’ (slightly irritated) ‘Yes I know’ (slightly irritated)

(camera operator clearly filming the guy in front)

Susan, Susan, that’s not me! (more than a bit irritated)

(silence from the camera operator)

(old bike man disembarks with no rolling cameras)

‘Well he looks like you’ (camera operator doesn’t really care)

You will appreciate this was a one off opportunity. I really couldn’t see the ferry operators allowing me to reboard the ferry for the camera operator to have another chance. This wasn’t Hollywood.

So I don’t have a heroic video of me leaving the ferry but if I did I would look exactly like the guy who looked like me. So please use your imagination. Didn’t I look good?

After the ferry, for the next two days, we travelled Ruta 3 with the most extraordinarily strong wind. This wind roared in our ears and pushed us all over the narrow single carriageway road. I struggled.

When the wind became more ferocious, we dropped our speed to 30mph which made the journey longer. By the end of the second day I was totally and utterly exhausted.

Even though I was at the end of all my energy, the man that keeps on giving, gave again. Sometimes I’m just remarkable.

So please, please, don’t show the next photo to your partner for they will be very jealous saying ‘why can’t you give me a hotel room with a pool table like Clif gives Susan?’

Yes a bloodypooltable and you’re also looking at chandabloodylier lighting.

In the background is a fully equipped kitchen with indoor BBQ. Off to the left is the master bedroom with outside patio and directly behind the photographer are two single beds for friends. The man that keeps giving had just delivered again. Remarkable.

And what was the house called? Sweet Home Patagonia. That whole top floor was our ‘pool suite’. Sweet.

The howling wind woke us up several times throughout the night and the wind was back with us in the morning.

I really wanted to delay our journey but the seven day outlook was ‘very windy’ so we just got in with it. A couple of times we were so nearly blown off the road into the Patagonian scrubland with sustained gusts. I fought for control of the bike and kept it on the road. Just. Scariest moments of the trip? Yes probably. Certainly even scarier than Susan’s spinach ravioli.

That night, after four days struggling with the Patagonian wind, we arrived at Puerto Madryn. We had three days rest as we were a bit ahead of schedule.

Why here and why three days I hear you ask?

Well I can tell you – the man who keeps on giving was here to give.

He was here to deliver some little blighters and he was about to deliver the largest little blighter colony outside the Antarctic!

What a remarkable big blighter I am.

• South America