Let’s start with a photo of Panama City from our hotel bedroom.

Then another from somewhere else.

Now the Panamanian flag for people that like flags. It may come up in a quiz someday! I’m always looking after your general knowledge.

So ‘Big helmet heid’ and Susan are in Panama City hoping to travel to Alaska by motorbike. And there lay the first issue when the bike became stuck in Istanbul courtesy of Turkish Airlines.

After a fraught four days chasing up cargo and customs agents we finally got our hands on a big box at the cargo terminal. Hello bike, goodbye anxiety.

We’ve got the bike and so what else is going on in Panama I hear you ask. ‘Tell us something interesting for a change’. ‘A photo of a box just isn’t enough’. ‘Even ‘Pointless’ is more interesting than a box’.

Honestly, you’re a hard lot to please. Well, sit down for I’ve got an astonishing story to tell you. It’s pre pre history and about a land time forgot.

Panama is on an isthmus. What’s an isthmus ‘Big Helmet Heid’? Yes, I’m anticipating what some of my non privately educated readers are asking. Well an isthmus is a narrow strip of land connecting two larger areas. In this case, it’s north and south America.

Now back in pre pre history there was north America and, yes you guessed it, south America. The bit in the middle wasn’t yet created.

Over time, volcanic islands rose between the two big bits, the sea level dropped and the isthmus that is now called Central America came into being about 3 million years ago. ‘So what ‘Big Helmet Boring Heid’ I hear you scoff, ‘I’m going back to Pointless’.

Well here’s the astonishing part. Here’s the part you will remember for the rest of your life. You will tell this pre pre history story is pubs and family gatherings and have everyone enthralled.

You see, the isthmus of Panama had impacts that were felt across the globe. By dividing the ocean in two, scientists believe changing ocean currents created global climate change, influenced an ice age in the northern hemisphere and causing a more arid climate in Africa. Grassy habitats expanded at the expense of forests and these conditions permitted the evolution of homo sapiens.

Here’s a quote from a bright scientist:

‘the implication of this chain of causation is that the human genus would not exist but for the tectonic uplift of a narrow neck of land between the Americas that set in motion a series of changes in oceans and climates that cascaded around the world’ (A Bright Scientist, Cambridge University Press)

So there we are. You knew homo sapiens originated in Africa but if it wasn’t for this isthmus you would not have been here reading this today. You might still be swinging naked in the trees. Not a pleasant sight so just be thankful for the Panamanian isthmus.

When you think about it, Susan and I are starting our journey at the origins of humanity and the cradle of civilisation. Here I am, representing you in Panama, standing on the shoulders of evolution. I feel humble.

You want just a little bit more? Well here’s another quick pre history story. Did you notice how I effortlessly moved from pre pre history to pre history? I’m a time travelling historical factual storyteller.

Ps If you’re bored and just want to hear about Susan suffering then move on a couple of pages. If you have an appetite for interesting stories then bear with me.

Did you know, the Americas were populated by humans who travelled from Asia across the Bering Strait when Siberia and Alaska were connected with a land bridge? Yup another isthmus! See you’re getting the hang of that word. Don’t thank me just try and use it every day for a few weeks and you will have the knowledge for life.

As I was saying, humans migrated to North America from Asia and then down to South America via the Panamanian isthmus. How’s that for a migratory story?

And if that wasn’t enough that leads me onto yet another factual story. Don’t stop me you haven’t had enough yet.

About 3 million years after the creation of the Panama Isthmus, what the Americans do? Well of course they put a bloody canal through it and divided the Americas again!

It’s slightly unfair to simply blame the Americans. Back in time everyone recognised it would be a good idea to find a passage across the isthmus and link the Pacific and Atlantic oceans. The idea all started with the Spanish of course who just wanted to facilitate their robbing of South America.

Now we know the Spanish are not known for their building skills so they weren’t up to the task. They stuck to robbing South American gold and invented tiny plates of food and charged a fortune. Yes just more robbing.

Countless surveys said it couldn’t be done largely because of the mountains in the middle. Then came the Frenchies. ‘Ooh la la we can do it easy peasey’. Actually that’s a bit of a fib. What they actually said was ‘ooh la la on peut le faire facilement’. I like to be historically correct with my historical translation.

The Frenchies you see were flushed with the success of building the Suez canal and thought their engineering skills were the best in the world. You know what happened of course? They tried and failed to build a sea level canal through the mountains. Building through volcanic rock isn’t like building a canal through sand. Oh la la!

That leads us to the Americans who went for the second option. They dammed a main river, flooded the interior of the country and created two inland lakes. They then constructed locks on either side to raise and lower ships to the inland lakes. In effect, locks at each end raise and lower ships 85 metres up to a fresh water lake.

Okay it’s time for photos. Big ships in a lock.

Yes, I know hardly exciting photos but then again our visit to the Panama Canal was hardly exciting either. I feel you need to experience what we experienced – something in between mildly interesting to mildly boring.

Okay now for a photo to make you smile. Here’s me at the lock with my carer.

So that’s Panama. It’s now time to move on.

It’s time for Susan to suffer …….

Oh poor Susan!

• Central America
• Panama