‘Come closer, come closer and listen’, BOom Bang a bang, BOom Bang a bang’

What on earth am I talking about? A Lulu song from the 1960’s?

Well the words are appropriate and all will be revealed. You’ve just got to read on for a bit. Patience please.

So we’re in Costa Fortune and it’s time to move on from Manuel Antonio to La Fortuna in the mountains. We’re going to look at jungles because Susan likes jungles.

You will have noticed I’ve changed the country’s name to Costa Fortune. That’s not a typo.

It’s probably because of the influence of American tourism (yes the Yanks are here in numbers) but the cost of everything is sky high. Food is expensive and buying a beer is just legal extortion. I pay less for a beer in central London than I do here. It’s unacceptable.

Anyway, back on the road again. Yes, yes I’m coming to BOom. I’ve not forgotten! You like a BOom and a bit of hardship. I appreciate you prefer stories about me suffering rather than Susan and I can let you know, on balance, (two bangs to one BOom) I probably did.

Oh you’re happy now and can’t wait for that story!

Our journey started after breakfast about 0730. The sun was shining and it was hot and humid. We stopped when we saw a crowd on a bridge and parked beside the polis.

We looked over the bridge to see what all the commotion was about.

Now, Susan likes animals, birds and insects of all kinds. I’m ambivalent to looking at animals unless they’re medium rare with a side portion of chips.

On this occasion, I was impressed. Crocodiles. I love these guys!

Susan was disappointed they weren’t moving but that’s the point. They don’t move. They don’t give a …….. (‘big editor chief’ will delete the word I was going to use so please use a word you think is appropriate). 2% of my friends will choose the right word.

If you drop your phone over the bridge when taking a photo then nobody is going for it. These guys are top tier hard! They don’t need to move to impress.

It was then goodbye to the polis and goodbye to the crocs and we headed into the mountains. We headed along the small, winding, steep roads recommended by sat nav.

Now before you roll your eyes to the sky and say (whilst sipping a latte in the comfort of the latest Instagram cafe) ‘oh, did the ‘big knobber’ follow sat nav and get himself into trouble?’ ‘Did he really?’ Well, yes ‘big knobber’ kinda did!

Let me give you some mitigating circumstances – I cross check these routes as much as I can and in central America the information is patchy at best. I reviewed this route countless times and well, to be frank, I still failed.

So, there we were on roads that were a little bit more than single track, paved but broken, multiple potholes, steep, acute bends, going higher and higher. On a big heavily laden two up bike it was tortuous. We were in the back of beyond and only saw the occasional local in a pick up truck.

At some junctions the turn was so tight Susan had to get off and let me manoeuvre the bike myself. She then jumped on and off we went. Up and up. Higher and higher. On a wing and a prayer.

We came to a Y junction on a 30 degree incline. I had a left or right choice. The sat nav faltered. I had to choose in a split second because I couldn’t stop moving. I chose right!

Well I fuc*ing didn’t!! I chose WRONG.

I’m sorry about the profanities but you need to try and empathise how I was feeling. This wasn’t good. Really it wasn’t!

Right away the road surface turned to broken rubble and the aspect changed to 45 degrees. I don’t exaggerate. It could have been more. Get your protractor out and have a look at a 45 degree slope!

I immediately knew it was the wrong road. I knew it was the wrong fuc*ing road two seconds after I took the right road!

And I couldn’t stop!

If I stop the bike’s going down. It’s too steep to stop.

I keep it moving.

I’ve no idea what Susan is thinking because I can’t talk. I’m too busy trying to deal with the situation and the rising panic. I would like to say I was cool but I wasn’t. My mind was racing. The bike was racing. You can’t go slow. To go slow is to fail. And failing is going to hurt.

Thankfully, Susan says nothing. She can sense things are wrong and knows it would have been better to have gone for a swim with the crocs.

‘So what are you going to do ‘big knobber?’ ‘What have you got poor Susan into this time?’ Careering up a mountain! Careering ‘big knobber’!

Well I had a plan! You hear that, I had a plan!!

My plan was to keep going until I got to the top!

Don’t smack your forehead! Yup, it’s not a great plan but it was the best the ‘big knobber’ could come up with.

Have some thought for poor Susan. She didn’t know we even had a plan. All she knew is that the ‘big knobber’ wasn’t speaking and if the ‘big knobber’ stops speaking we’re in serious sh*t.

Jeezo, the bike bounced and skidded and we were all over the road. Then, after what seemed like an eternity the incline reduced slightly. Then the road stopped. I stopped. It wasn’t the plan. It was the end of the road.

I managed to hold the bike and Susan lept off like a woman dismounting after an Olympic event on the parallel bars. Whoosh. Jump. She’s down. Feet on the ground.

That’s a relief. I’m sure you’re all happy for her.

Now it’s just ‘big knobber’ and the bike. Unfortunately, the bike was in control as it started slipping backwards down the road. Brakes were on. Bike was still reversing. Gravity is a bugger.

I knew we had passed an entrance to a field about 100 meters back down so I released the brake, stopped the skidding, started rolling. A metre it rolled then applied the brake. Another metre we kept skidding. I let it roll another metre. Braked. Another metre it kept on skidding. Another metre I let it roll ….. you get the picture. Perpetual motion.

I knew if the bike fell I couldn’t pick it up again on this slope. I knew nobody else was coming up this road. I knew we were on our own. My arms and legs ached. A painful ache.

Before you get concerned, let me remind you Susan is okay. She’s probably a little hot but she’s fine. So just relax and read on.

Well, I rolled and skidded the bike down to sanctuary of that field, turned the bike around and faced down the rocky road.

By this time I was in a bit of a physical wreck from the exertion and the heat. I couldn’t get off. I had the next issue to face – getting back down again.

My first thought was for Susan to walk to the bottom. About a mile. It’s 35 degrees centigrade. 45 degrees slope.

That’s not the option I chose. Remember I’m a ‘big knobber’ today and I thought we can do this and asked Susan to get back on.

Well I tell you, there’s no hesitation. No winging. No wimping. She gets on and we bounce and slide down that bloody mountain. I’m telling you she’s got balls of steel!

At the bottom we rehydrate with warm water whilst I try to stop trembling with exhaustion. We then get back on the bike and continue.

This time we take the right road on the left. Still with me? Up and up we go.

‘Oh come on ya ‘big knobber’ where’s the BOom, bang a bang you promised us?’ ‘You said you came off worse than Susan!’ ‘You said be patient!’ ‘We want to hear about ‘big knobber’ coming a cropper!’

Yes, yes I hear you – did I say I was finished?

Did I say we had reached La Fortuna, our destination for the day, and I was relaxing with a cold beer?

No I didn’t.

However, after all that narrative I want to leave part 1 of this story with a photo. Here is the cold beer I eventually had in La Fortuna.

But I had to get there first. And, unfortunately, there was still worse to come that day ………

• Central America
• Costa Rica