Tag: Central America

BOom Bang a Bang

‘Come closer, come closer and listen’, BOom Bang a bang, BOom Bang a bang’

What on earth am I talking about? A Lulu song from the 1960’s?

Well the words are appropriate and all will be revealed. You’ve just got to read on for a bit. Patience please.

So we’re in Costa Fortune and it’s time to move on from Manuel Antonio to La Fortuna in the mountains. We’re going to look at jungles because Susan likes jungles.

You will have noticed I’ve changed the country’s name to Costa Fortune. That’s not a typo.

It’s probably because of the influence of American tourism (yes the Yanks are here in numbers) but the cost of everything is sky high. Food is expensive and buying a beer is just legal extortion. I pay less for a beer in central London than I do here. It’s unacceptable.

Anyway, back on the road again. Yes, yes I’m coming to BOom. I’ve not forgotten! You like a BOom and a bit of hardship. I appreciate you prefer stories about me suffering rather than Susan and I can let you know, on balance, (two bangs to one BOom) I probably did.

Oh you’re happy now and can’t wait for that story!

Our journey started after breakfast about 0730. The sun was shining and it was hot and humid. We stopped when we saw a crowd on a bridge and parked beside the polis.

We looked over the bridge to see what all the commotion was about.

Now, Susan likes animals, birds and insects of all kinds. I’m ambivalent to looking at animals unless they’re medium rare with a side portion of chips.

On this occasion, I was impressed. Crocodiles. I love these guys!

Susan was disappointed they weren’t moving but that’s the point. They don’t move. They don’t give a …….. (‘big editor chief’ will delete the word I was going to use so please use a word you think is appropriate). 2% of my friends will choose the right word.

If you drop your phone over the bridge when taking a photo then nobody is going for it. These guys are top tier hard! They don’t need to move to impress.

It was then goodbye to the polis and goodbye to the crocs and we headed into the mountains. We headed along the small, winding, steep roads recommended by sat nav.

Now before you roll your eyes to the sky and say (whilst sipping a latte in the comfort of the latest Instagram cafe) ‘oh, did the ‘big knobber’ follow sat nav and get himself into trouble?’ ‘Did he really?’ Well, yes ‘big knobber’ kinda did!

Let me give you some mitigating circumstances – I cross check these routes as much as I can and in central America the information is patchy at best. I reviewed this route countless times and well, to be frank, I still failed.

So, there we were on roads that were a little bit more than single track, paved but broken, multiple potholes, steep, acute bends, going higher and higher. On a big heavily laden two up bike it was tortuous. We were in the back of beyond and only saw the occasional local in a pick up truck.

At some junctions the turn was so tight Susan had to get off and let me manoeuvre the bike myself. She then jumped on and off we went. Up and up. Higher and higher. On a wing and a prayer.

We came to a Y junction on a 30 degree incline. I had a left or right choice. The sat nav faltered. I had to choose in a split second because I couldn’t stop moving. I chose right!

Well I fuc*ing didn’t!! I chose WRONG.

I’m sorry about the profanities but you need to try and empathise how I was feeling. This wasn’t good. Really it wasn’t!

Right away the road surface turned to broken rubble and the aspect changed to 45 degrees. I don’t exaggerate. It could have been more. Get your protractor out and have a look at a 45 degree slope!

I immediately knew it was the wrong road. I knew it was the wrong fuc*ing road two seconds after I took the right road!

And I couldn’t stop!

If I stop the bike’s going down. It’s too steep to stop.

I keep it moving.

I’ve no idea what Susan is thinking because I can’t talk. I’m too busy trying to deal with the situation and the rising panic. I would like to say I was cool but I wasn’t. My mind was racing. The bike was racing. You can’t go slow. To go slow is to fail. And failing is going to hurt.

Thankfully, Susan says nothing. She can sense things are wrong and knows it would have been better to have gone for a swim with the crocs.

‘So what are you going to do ‘big knobber?’ ‘What have you got poor Susan into this time?’ Careering up a mountain! Careering ‘big knobber’!

Well I had a plan! You hear that, I had a plan!!

My plan was to keep going until I got to the top!

Don’t smack your forehead! Yup, it’s not a great plan but it was the best the ‘big knobber’ could come up with.

Have some thought for poor Susan. She didn’t know we even had a plan. All she knew is that the ‘big knobber’ wasn’t speaking and if the ‘big knobber’ stops speaking we’re in serious sh*t.

Jeezo, the bike bounced and skidded and we were all over the road. Then, after what seemed like an eternity the incline reduced slightly. Then the road stopped. I stopped. It wasn’t the plan. It was the end of the road.

I managed to hold the bike and Susan lept off like a woman dismounting after an Olympic event on the parallel bars. Whoosh. Jump. She’s down. Feet on the ground.

That’s a relief. I’m sure you’re all happy for her.

Now it’s just ‘big knobber’ and the bike. Unfortunately, the bike was in control as it started slipping backwards down the road. Brakes were on. Bike was still reversing. Gravity is a bugger.

I knew we had passed an entrance to a field about 100 meters back down so I released the brake, stopped the skidding, started rolling. A metre it rolled then applied the brake. Another metre we kept skidding. I let it roll another metre. Braked. Another metre it kept on skidding. Another metre I let it roll ….. you get the picture. Perpetual motion.

I knew if the bike fell I couldn’t pick it up again on this slope. I knew nobody else was coming up this road. I knew we were on our own. My arms and legs ached. A painful ache.

Before you get concerned, let me remind you Susan is okay. She’s probably a little hot but she’s fine. So just relax and read on.

Well, I rolled and skidded the bike down to sanctuary of that field, turned the bike around and faced down the rocky road.

By this time I was in a bit of a physical wreck from the exertion and the heat. I couldn’t get off. I had the next issue to face – getting back down again.

My first thought was for Susan to walk to the bottom. About a mile. It’s 35 degrees centigrade. 45 degrees slope.

That’s not the option I chose. Remember I’m a ‘big knobber’ today and I thought we can do this and asked Susan to get back on.

Well I tell you, there’s no hesitation. No winging. No wimping. She gets on and we bounce and slide down that bloody mountain. I’m telling you she’s got balls of steel!

At the bottom we rehydrate with warm water whilst I try to stop trembling with exhaustion. We then get back on the bike and continue.

This time we take the right road on the left. Still with me? Up and up we go.

‘Oh come on ya ‘big knobber’ where’s the BOom, bang a bang you promised us?’ ‘You said you came off worse than Susan!’ ‘You said be patient!’ ‘We want to hear about ‘big knobber’ coming a cropper!’

Yes, yes I hear you – did I say I was finished?

Did I say we had reached La Fortuna, our destination for the day, and I was relaxing with a cold beer?

No I didn’t.

However, after all that narrative I want to leave part 1 of this story with a photo. Here is the cold beer I eventually had in La Fortuna.

But I had to get there first. And, unfortunately, there was still worse to come that day ………

Pura Vida

‘Pura Vida’ is the quintessential Costa Rican phrase. It’s everywhere.

It means ‘pure life’ but for Costa Ricans it represents a way of life, a simple life, a sense of well-being, positivity and gratitude. It can be used as a greeting or as a thank you, a way to saying everything’s good or an expression of joy.

The barman serves me a cold beer. ‘Pura Vida’ I say.

As you can see I immerse myself in each country we visit. I’m a cultural chameleon.

Let’s start with a photo of a ‘big dog’ on a beach.

We all know ‘big dogs’ love beaches.

And a photo from our hotel balcony. Yes I’ve splashed out again. It’s not all goretex and sweat you know.

We went for lunch nearby after the beach walk.

‘Oh big deal! Cliff took Susan for lunch. We have lunch every day but we don’t bang on about it in a blog’!

Yes, yes I hear you but you should know by now that my lunch is better than your lunch. Still not convinced? Well, my lunch had a C-123 cargo plane!

As we say in Scotland ‘I bet that’s put yer gas at a peep’!

Oh it hasn’t? A genuine C-123 cargo plane isn’t enough? You’re a hard lot to impress.

Well what if I told you a story about this particular C-123? A story that involves the Americans, the Iranians, the Contras, the Sandanistas and the Nicaraguan civil war!

Want a further clue? What if I say Colonel Oliver North? Oh I bet that’s got some alarm bells ringing in some auld heids!

Yes of course I’m talking about the 1986 Iran-Contra affair involving Ronald Reagan’s government. To briefly recap – the Americans sold arms to Iran; the Iranians used influence to release American hostages in Lebanon; profit from arms sales was diverted to the contras (rebels) who were fighting the Sandanistas (Nicaragua Govt).

The whole scheme was run by covert CIA who through a ‘front’ company bought three C-123 cargo aircraft to smuggle arms to the Contras. One of the C-123’s was shot down and another ended up being the backdrop for my beer and lunch.

It was she biggest scandal of its day and they even made a movie starring Tom Cruise. I think I’ve just played the lunch story trump card.

Pura Vida mis amigos.

Hola Costa Rica

We had an overnight stop in David and as Susan had a difficult day with the onset of heatstroke I gave her the choice of evening meal. Yes, I know sometimes I just ooze kindness and empathy.

She chose McDs. Honestly what gets into her? In the UK you would have to drag Susan kicking and screaming into a McDs but on the road she’s like a donkey looking for a carrot!

Next day we made a dash for the border with Costa Rica. Up at 0530am and at the border for 8am when it’s quieter. As they say in the army somewhere ‘we don’t fanny around’.

The Panamanian border was chaos. It’s like a shanty town and there’s random screwballs everywhere trying to ‘help’. I abandon the bike and some guy asks me for our passports. He looks like a random screwball. No chance. Trust no-one is my philosophy.

We enter immigration office, get processed and then it’s back out into chaos. Another random screwball asks me for the bike import permit. No chance. We walk into the customs hall. It’s empty. Back outside. Ah, that random screwball is actually the customs guy. He takes our bike import permit and logs us out of Panama.

On the bike and off we go looking for the Costa Rica border which is supposedly 4 km down the road.

10km zooming later we’re in Costa Rica and heading to our hotel. Great you think. Well we just have a minor problem – we haven’t been though Costa Rica immigration and we don’t have an import permit for the bike.

We had passed a big building that looked like an Amazon warehouse but there was no indication we should go in. In fact I’m comfortable saying only stupid people who didn’t know what they were doing would have entered.

So we entered the compound where the stupid people go and found to our intellectual surprise it was the border station.

It was hot and so Susan stood in the air conditioned customs hall whilst Clif worked like a middle Eastern donkey and unloaded the bike.

(authors note: the previous paragraph has been changed by ‘big chief editor’.I actually wrote that ‘I worked like a hot roasted monkey with a rocket up it’s arse’. However, ‘big chief editor’ changed the content and I was given the following feedback – firstly, it’s cruel to animals; secondly, only 2% of ‘my’ friends (‘my’ friends, totally excluding ‘big chief editors’ friends) would think it was funny!)

So there you are. I’ve been censored and the content is no doubt more acceptable to ‘big chief editor’s’ friends and 98% of my friends. All I can say is you lot need to stop worrying about animals and get a sense of humour!

We stripped off our motorcycle gear and walked through the scanners and Susan remarked that she was glad she decided that morning to wear a t shirt under her BOom BOom vest. Close call Susan! She was nearly walking through the customs hall in her bra.

Some guy then stuck us with a pin to get a blood sample for a malaria test. It was nippy sore but I was a brave wee soldier.

Whilst Susan stood under the air conditioning, I completed the customs and insurance procedures and loaded the bike. Honestly, I was running about like a ‘hot roasted mo…..’. Oops there I go again. Sorry.

As we were about to leave, almost as an afterthought, a chap asked if the bike been fumigated. No says ‘honest Susan’. ‘Where do we get it fumigated?’ ‘Back in Panamanian Border Shanty Town! Three cheers for honest Susan!

As soon as we hit the Panamanian Border Shanty Town all sorts of random screwballs were all over us offering to ‘help’.

We spotted a big wet shed that looked like it could be the place. An ‘official’ guided us in and in reasonable English helped me place the bike in the right spot to get sprayed.

It’s time for a photo and as Susan wasn’t in her bra in the customs hall the best photo you’re going to get is a bike in a wet shed.

Meanwhile it turns out the nice English speaking ‘official’ who helped us was actually a bloody random screwball!

Well done random screwball you got under my screwball radar. He earned his $2 tip. On reflection, I should have spotted the real official because he was grumpy, spoke no English and had a clipboard. You live and learn.

As a side issue, the disinfectant spray started my driving lights working again. It must have been bugs in the system! (groan).

Once we were all legal we motorcycled down the lovely twisty well paved roads in Costa Rica. Unfortunately it’s single carraigeway with double yellow lines down the centre of the road. No overtaking!

You may think we’re two easy riders ..

‘moving on the Queens highway lookin’ like a streak of lightnin’. If you gotta go, go, gotta go motor bike ridin’

(there’s a song reference for you)

Except we’ve got a conscience. And more to the point it’s a bloody mind reading conscience! Oh and I think you’ve already guessed it can’t possibly be me with a conscience!

You see there we were, happy zooming along at the 80 kph speed limit with a few cars in front of us when all I hear in my ear is ‘these yellow lines mean that this will be an accident area and so it’s dangerous and the police will be patrolling’.

Who needs your own conscience when there’s one on the back of your bike! Yup I’ve got my own Jiminy Cricket!

(there’s a movie reference for you)

Oh, I know she’s right. We all know she’s bloody right! And she’s right to say it to a man that’s singing ‘streak of lightnin’ to himself.

Then, fate puts a slow moving lorry loaded high with wood and a twenty car tailback in front of the man with no conscience……..

Suddenly Pinocchio can’t hear Jiminy Cricket and with a quick swerve and a twist of the throttle we’re ‘lookin’ like a streak of lightin’ …..

Hola Costa Rica highway.

Never Ever

It only seems yesterday that Susan stepped off the motorbike in Buenos Aires, smiled pleasantly at me and thought to herself ‘never ever will I do that again’.

That said, Susan has a track record of ‘never ever agains’ – she said it in St John’s after cycling across Canada; she said it in Sydney; she said it in San Diego.

So it’s really no surprise, 16 months later, we find her climbing onto the back of the motorbike thinking to herself ‘what the f*ck am I doing?’.

What’s the plan I hear you ask? What’s ‘never ever’ Susan signed up for? Well just hold on just a minute please. Let’s start this story at the beginning with an important update – I’ve got a new helmet!

I’m quite sure the fashionistas amongst you will appreciate I’m sporting the latest model.

Now I’m not posting a photo of Susan as she doesn’t have a new helmet to show you. Quite frankly, she’s not looked after her current one. It’s suffered a few dents and scrapes and until she learns to keep her head off the ground when I drop the bike then that’s just the way it has to stay.

I have also bought myself a BOom BOom Vest. Here’s a photo of myself modelling one.

Now I know what you’re thinking ‘new helmet heid’ is wearing a support bra!

Come on now. Be serious! Let’s not turn this motorcycle fashion show into a farce! This is a actually an important piece of safety kit.

BOom (the unexpected accident happens)

BOom the vest automatically inflates in milliseconds, helping protect chest, back and shoulders. Well that’s the theory.

Technically, it’s called an air safety vest but I’m helping you understand how it works. I’m a kind of nursery school communicator and I know you appreciate it. And yes of course ‘never ever’ Susan has BOom BOom vest even though she was ‘never ever’ getting back on that bloody bike!

So where’s ‘big helmet heid’ with his BOom BOom bra and ‘never ever’ Susan landed this time?

Well I will give you a clue – I’ve brought her to the most important canal in the world! You hear that? The most important canal in the world! Panama! I’ve only gone and delivered a sensational holiday location again!

So what’s the plan ‘big helmet heid’?

Well the plan is to motorcycle from here to up there ☝️. Yup ‘big helmet heid’ is going to make ‘never ever’ Susan suffer all the way to Anchorage in Alaska. Look nobody ‘never ever’ said I was a nice guy!

You should be able to look under the ”menu’ button item thing on the blog page and see an item thing with some maps of the route. I hope it works. I’ve haven’t quite skilled up enough on this blogging thing.

As if that’s not enough we’re going back down from Anchorage to Vancouver to fly home in mid July. In total we should travel 11,500 miles, roughly about the same distance as our South American trip.

So that’s the synopsis of our journey. I hope you’ve enjoyed this update on my new gear and yes I understand everyone wants to see a photo of ‘never ever’ Susan just to prove she’s actually here with me.

Well here she is from her best angle. Believe me I’m not kidding – you should just see the scraped paintwork at the back!

Happy now? Yes she’s actually here in Panama City. It just goes to prove that you should never ever say ‘never ever’. Isn’t that right Susan?